CONFINED…

I’ve completed a total of 81 days and a sentence of 10 is yet to be served...

Sometimes I felt like I was running out of air, it was not the virus, but it surely had to do with it. The mandatory and strict confinement, which limits our mobility and forces us to social distancing as a measure to avoid the spread of the COVID-19 Virus, has probably been one of the biggest challenges we’ve had to endure as a generation. In my case, I had the opportunity to change national context amid the pandemic, and it still feels extremely grim.

While those 74 days in Honduras, contemplated more than a quarantine, facing suspension of constitutional rights, a high militarization in the streets and above all a descriptive reflection of the atrocities generated by the State and the accumulated results of corruption. Honduras was also an opportunity to embrace community. I felt it, even in my skin, that people would also take the risk of hugging me and that we all felt so sad when we couldn’t. They would undoubtedly understand that during and after my journey, the feeling of wanting them physically close to me, remained. This just because we shared the same ways of giving love. In Honduras I was never abandoned by the warmth of the tropics, you can always count on that. The fear of reality, without wanting to romanticize it, also allowed me to unite with my own. It was during the first months of the pandemic that I had the opportunity to collect interviews that would change my life, fostering opportunities for me later on. Those women who gave me their stories transformed the direction of my research, but, above all, my direction.

Within a second context, it is undeniable that the struggles are different, and the discussions have changed. There is often talk about the bureaucracy of the vaccination process, and the insufficiency of subsidies. There is also immense critique towards decision-makers and above all we continue to discuss the weather, which makes it extremely challenging to smile sometimes. Understanding and transiting that the mere fact that I am experiencing this represents nothing more than a privilege, confinement continues to be an enormous challenge for me. Of course, confinement has allowed me to contemplate many things. It led me to connect with myself, it led me to look inside, so inside that it is frightening and more than occasionally overwhelming. Confinement also pushed me to fall inordinately in love, without any restraint. It led me to feel (even more) intensely, to prioritize, to re-think, to appreciate the food I eat, the love I receive, the sun that does not always rise. I now smile and even laugh at the sound of the birds that have emerged with spring. However, here, and now, in my third attempt at a strict and obligatory confinement, without leaving home, my reflections are diverse.

Compulsory confinement is also the reason for a silent pandemic. I understand my responsibility to take care of others, yet I do not see any decision makers contemplating the repercussions this will generate on our mental health. Confinement is surely a karma that we are fulfilling as humanity, yet we continue to ignore our minds.

I quench myself effusively, almost performing, with positive thoughts that became trendy to share during the pandemic. I repeat to myself what everyone keeps telling me. "It's an opportunity" "take advantage of the time", "it's for others", "no need to stress", "worry also makes you sick", etc. Everyone repeating phrases without even reflecting to give meaning to what we are all experiencing today. However, reality is multidimensional, and confinement continues to be exhaustive, and I find it troubling how much we have normalized going through it.

Created as social beings, it does not seem natural to just accept confinement, without a doubt we must support each other to achieve it, and open safe spaces to also question it. Some of the psychological repercussions of confinement include sleeping problems, increased addictions and toxic habits, avoidance, dissociation, anxiety, depression, fear, apathy, emotional changes, anguish, sadness, and the list go on. I know that, in my case, the next time I hear of someone who is undergoing a strict lockdown, I will not ask them if they are infected with the virus, I will ask them how their heart is, and then I will ask them, intentionally, how their mind is coping (at the very least if they need to talk or some food that would make them happy). Not only because I am beginning to accept, in a very profound way, that confinement is dense and complex. But also, because when this is all over, I want to look back and take in, that we were never really alone.

Confinement makes me feel a diversity of emotions, that despite how important it has been to communicate through out my life, it’s becoming increasingly hard to explain. At times I cry, and then right after, I laugh, sometimes I convince myself that I am going crazy, then others convince me that I am not. Without a doubt, confinement has transformed me, reduced my social interactions, and changed my personality forever. I no longer hug or kiss like I used to. Also, for those who complained so much, I am much quieter. I also stopped talking to many people, which is just as good as it is disturbing. I am simply not the same. After vaccination, I am not quite sure if we will meet in the streets to celebrate, thankful for the advances, or if we will all be confronted with post traumatic effects that result of confinement. Most probably both. The only thing I am sure of is that after the pandemic, we will all be completely different. We will indisputably become another person.