INTENSE…
Intense was an ongoing adjective I’ve been struggling to appropriate of throughout my entire existence. It was always meant to be followed by “maybe you should tone it down a bit” or “maybe don’t share that”. It was rarely perceived as a positive attribute and I always ended up hearing remarks about it being “a bit too much”.
Although I continue to struggle with what it really means, my first memory of being defined as “intense” was during my teenage years. Sure, it was more accepted than, as the role of hormones, physical changes and emotional turbulence intersected with many heavy hearts. This was greatly complemented by my Central American upbringing, an over exposure to telenovelas and their collective misconception of love and passion as well as early Shakira and Selena songs that were the only words that could describe our feelings.
During high school, I was constantly advised by many of my girlfriends to avoid mentioning how I felt about their controlling relationships in front of their boyfriends or to please step away from controversial topics and the curse words infant of the boys. Also, it was very important that I’d stop questioning their actions, because they didn’t like me metaling in their relationships. Interestingly, many of the cases where I did have something to say were often followed by an open-ended jealousy and /or cheating scene that seemed to me as an alert worth pointing out. Nevertheless, I was to be blamed for being so INTENSE, which in retrospect I believe I was.
When discovering volunteering initiatives, I would love to say my intensity was healthyly redirected towards good causes, but certainly that was not the case. I became almost militant about it. I wanted everybody to join the peace education camps I had stumbled upon. They were the first space I’d belonged to and where I connected to lots of other “intense” people, so naturally, I wanted everybody to join. I’d dedicate my late teens and early 20s to help promote and organize these camps. I was extremely disappointed when people I connected with didn't and extremely devoted to those that did (intensa…). I quickly realized, I feel feelings and I feel them hard. All of them, the entire spectrum, which in the most part includes love, happiness, ecstasy, nostalgia, foodgasms… but it also allows me to feel anger, pain and the disappointment that emerges when experiencing human relations and specially when confronted by my overly pronounced expectations of the world.
This parade of strong feelings accompanied me throughout my young adult life. It led me to several spaces where I’d be immediately cataloged as the “intense feminist”, replicating girl power quotes every chance I got. Continually, I’d engaged in the role of overprotective friend and over concerned human. It also made me, more than fall in love, jump blindly into it. Following my penetrating intuition to connect with some wrong and right people but for the most part to the right kind of experiences. Surely, I would later understand that my intensity did not lead to anyone to volunteer more, it didn’t protect any of my friends and it certainly did not solve any of my concerns about the world. Ahh it also made it really hard to digest breakups.
Thankfully, the universe provided me with some significant connections that live life while experiencing a wide stream of emotions as well. I have managed to sustain solid and profound connections. I have been able to plan travels just to see and hug someone I love. It allowed me to find safe spaces where sorority became a way of life and it also continues to expose me towards the superpower of crying at the sole glance of a significant lyric or poem.
It took me a very long time to be ok with this part of myself , to accept it, to love it even…(it continues to take me some) Certainly, now more than ever I can talk about how it feels to be a woman from the global south, without checking who I’ll make uncomfortable within the room. I will also bluntly identify myself as the daughter of a witch upon a greeting with no drop of self-doubt. Without remorse, I will trigger uncomfortable conversations about gender roles and synced with the latest trends, I will also drop the word privilege more times than I am supposed to. It’s ok. really.
Although having found a diversity of emotional resources to exist, depending heavily on therapy but to no lesser extent to writing, wine and excess talking. I continue feeling all those feelings in that very way. This somewhat controversial characteristic has been a real blessing for experiencing empathy, sympathy and a great magnetic force of people wanting to be charged and maybe even to be of service to others. It allows me to live life to the fullest, understanding that the meaning I give to “fullest” is one I’ve created for myself and it will differ from others.
Finally, more than this concluding to be a self-acceptance essay, which it is. I realized I wrote this while I was experiencing a relationship that me made question my "intensity". May that never be the case for you and if it is, remember we are here to attract people vibrating in the same energy levels, those that don't resonate with you, will have to find other spaces to complain.